Towards the Door We Never Opened
by katos
Summary: Tony gets an unexpected phone call from Carol asking for his help on a case in South Africa. Someone is killing women with shards of their own mirrors. They work together to catch the killer and along the way confront all the things they've left unsaid.
1. Chapter 1

**Towards the Door We Never Opened**

**AN:** This is my first _Wire in the Blood_ story. I just recently discovered this wonderful show and am completely hooked. I was devastated when I started fourth season and Carol was just gone. This story is set after sixth season. It's set up like a one shot where are they now type episode. Anyone who is a stickler for continuity, just assume that Carol has transferred from working anti-corruption to working homicide again still in South Africa, I accidentally went a little AU with that. I hope you enjoy. Please read and review. Oh, the title is from TS Eliot's "Burnt Norton" and I don't own anything, I just like to play with them.

**Chapter 1**

Tony was sitting on the couch in his living room trying to unwind after a long trying day at the university when suddenly a lot of things seemed to happen at once. The smoke alarm in his kitchen started to beep. He had forgotten that he had put some water on the stove and it boiled dry, starting to smoke as the bottom of the pot scorched. He reached for it without grabbing a pot holder and burned his hand as his phone started to ring. Cursing to himself he chucked the burned pot into the sink and cracked open the window to let out the smoke. The phone continued to ring insistently as he hurried into the living room and fumbled through a mess of papers and books before finally finding his cell phone.

"Dr. Hill." He said as the smoke alarm mercifully stopped beeping. "Oh thank God." He mumbled to himself. He headed back into the kitchen to get some ice for his hand.

"Hello, Tony." At the sound of the once familiar voice on the other end of the line he stopped almost dropping the phone.

"Carol?" He asked even though he knew.

"Yeah it's me. I'm sorry to call out of the blue like this." Words seemed to fail her for a second, and then she continued her voice confident fully in work mode. "I've got a case that I could really use your help on."

"In Johannesburg?"

"Yes." She answered, knowing she was asking a lot.

"Carol, I don't know…" He said thinking that he was already in enough trouble with the university and not keen on flying half way around the world for someone who had left without even saying good bye.

"Please, Tony, I really need you on this one." There was a long silence and she thought that he might have hung up.

"I'll be on the next flight." He said any resolve crumbling with her "please."

He hung up the phone and pulled his suitcase out of the hall closet and heaving it onto the bed. Grabbing a random assortment of clothes out of his closet and starting to pile them in, trying to ignore the fact that his hand was shaking. Tony had almost forgotten what her voice sounded like. He shook out his hand and firmly reminded himself that he had given her a chance and she had left. This was help on a case and nothing more. He picked up his phone again and dialed the number of the head of his department at the college. This was not going to be a pleasant conversation.

Carol leaned against the wall near the arrivals gate at the Johannesburg Airport. She cursed herself for looking up eagerly every time she heard someone walking down the long corridor leading to the gate.

She could not make up her mind about how she felt about seeing Tony again. She hadn't fully admitted to herself how much she had missed him until she had heard his voice on the phone. She hadn't really expected him to come and when he had agreed she felt a surge of relief that she knew was only partially to do with having his help on the case. There was another part of her that dreaded seeing him, afraid that he might hate her, more afraid that he might not.

Her life had been so much simpler without him intermittently dropping in and out. Things were less confusing without his teasing proximity preventing her from fully engaging with anyone else while he stubbornly continued to stay always just out of reach. She was snapped out of this thought by him standing right in front of her.

"Hi." He said a little shyly. He looked rumpled from the long flight with a lap top bag slung across his chest, a blue plastic bag full of papers in his hand, and a wobbly suitcase dragging behind.

"Hi." Carol answered with a small smile. "I can't believe that they let you bring that as a carry on." She motioned towards the blue plastic bag. Tony just shrugged in reply.

"You have any other bags?"

"No this is it."

"Okay, well if you're up for it I thought we would head straight to the most recent crime scene. It's already been a couple of days. I'll fill you in on the way." Carol said fully switching into cop mode any vestiges of her earlier conflict gone.

He nodded and they headed out to the car both a little relieved and disappointed that they were setting straight to work. As they walked he was able to really look at her for the first time in more than a year. Her hair was even lighter than it had been the last time that he had seen her. She was tan and leaner than she had been. All of this combined gave her the appearance of being composed entirely of angles, as though someone had carved her out of wood and forgotten to sand the edges. He imagined that her new colleagues must find her an intimidating figure.

Once they had loaded his suitcase in the trunk and they were underway. Tony leafed through the case file that had been lying on his seat as Carol navigated out of the airport parking lot and onto the highway.

"So what have we got?" He asked trying to focus and not think about how good it felt to say "we."

"Over the past 2 months there have been 3 young women killed. Each exsanguinated from wounds apparently inflicted by pieces of glass broken at the scene. The first victim, Hermione Sands, was a student at the local university. She was stabbed in the stomach with a piece of her bathroom mirror after being hit repeatedly in the face." Tony flipped to the corresponding crime scene photos as she spoke.

"The second victim, Megan McConally, was stabbed repeatedly with broken shards of a glass topped table in her living room and the final victim, Sarah Wren, had her throat slashed with a piece of a broken mirror in the dance studio where she worked."

"Any evidence of sexual assault?" Tony asked looking up from the photos.

"No."

"Was there any evidence of forced entry to any of the locations?"

"Not at the first scene, but the locks were broken on the doors at both of the subsequent scenes."

"So we can assume that he knew the first victim or overpowered her at the door."

"Tony, there's one more thing." Carol said her stomach still twisting a bit when she thought about it. "He forced the final victim to swallow several pieces of the mirror before he killed her."

Tony sat for a long moment staring at the smiling pre-death pictures of the victims, seeing himself for a brief moment surrounded by blood and broken glass. "What about the mirrors are so bloody important to you?" He asked quietly, speaking as always as though the killer were sitting there with them. Then turning to Carol he asked "Other than being roughly the same physical type, did the victims have anything else in common?"

"They were all in their late 20's to early 40's and all of the victims were British citizens who had recently moved to Johannesburg."

"The killer most likely spent most of his childhood somewhere in England."

"We all stay in our comfort zones." Carol said to herself, quoting something that he had said to her a long time ago.

"Exactly," Tony continued, "While in this case the killer can't do so geographically. He is almost certainly choosing women who are familiar to him. These violent fantasies developed early in his life and now that he is finally able to act on them he would want to share it with some one he feels safe with. This isn't easy for me. I feel naked, exposed. I am showing you something that no one else has seen. It's terribly intimate."

For a second Carol felt the old familiar confusion. She had forgotten how jarring it could be when he unexpectedly shifted into the first person. It was always so difficult not to read further meaning into what he was saying. She mentally shook herself very glad that they were in the car; he used to stand about two inches away from her when he did this.

They settled into silence as Tony continued to pour over the file, studying the pictures and reading over the coroner's reports. Carol chanced a side long glance at him and was struck by how little he had changed since the last time she had seen him. The only noticeable difference was that all his hair had finally grown back hiding the scar that ran along the side of his head.

Just thinking about the scar made her wince inwardly. Those few weeks had been some of the most difficult of her life- feeling simultaneously so connected to someone and so lonely as she watched him lose his grasp on reality. She was terrified of him slipping away while having no idea what she would really lose if he did. If she was honest with herself it was a large part of why she had left.

She forced her attention back to the road as she realized she had almost driven right past the dance studio that was the scene of the 3rd murder.

"We're here." She announced as she turned off the engine.

Tony looked confused for a second; he had clearly been deep in thought as well. "Oh right," he said stuffing the papers back in the folder and setting it back on his seat as he got out of the car.

He followed Carol around to the small alley that ran along the back of the studio. It was a tiny shabby building with bars covering windowless frames that tried to provide some relief from the heat.

"This appears to be how he got in." Carol pointed to the splintering on the door around lock on the back door. She pushed the door open breaking the police seal. "It looks as though he kicked the door to break the lock."

Tony followed as they stepped in to what appeared to be a small office at the back of the studio. Carol closed the door behind them and pointed to a brownish red stain right at eye level.

"The blood here on the door is the victim's."

"So he knocks on the door and then when she gets up to answer it he kicks the door hitting her in the face and effectively stunning her." Tony said beginning to piece together what had happened.

As Carol continued to point out things of interest Tony let his attention wander sliding frighteningly seamlessly into what he imagined the mind of the man who had done this must be like. He began to clearly see the attack from the perspective of the killer. He felt the satisfying sensation of knuckles against flesh, heard tape tearing, felt the victim's weight as he lifted her and dragged her into the studio, and then suddenly a sense of overwhelming rage and frustration. He snapped back to the present, back to himself.

"Was there any blood found at the scene that wasn't the victim's?" Tony asked.

"There was at the first scene, but none at the subsequent two." Carol answered she had been patiently waiting as he surveyed the scene with that slightly unfocused gaze that meant that he was somewhere else. "I had expected to find quite a bit of the killer's blood considering the choice of weapon."

"Yes, his hands should have been cut to ribbons. He's learning. He came prepared, most likely bringing the tape and heavy gloves with him. But, you don't bring a weapon do you? Why don't you bring a weapon?" Tony crouched down surveying his reflection in the few shards of mirror still clinging pathetically to the wall. "Our shy boy is getting more confident. He's finally found something that he's good at and he is not going to stop anytime soon."

"So where does that leave us?" Carol asked. Tony looked up at her.

"There is something that he sees that he hates, we just have to figure out what that is." Tony said trying and failing to stifle a yawn. "Sorry, I'm knackered. I should probably find a hotel. I'm not going to be much good to you until I get some sleep." He got to his feet and started to follow her back through the door they had come on through.

"Yeah that's a good idea." Carol said as they walked. "Actually it would probably be easier if you just stayed with me." She paused as they stepped back out in to the alley. "We'll most likely end up working the case at all hours anyways and I have an extra room." She cursed how rushed her voice sounded. He looked at her for a long moment giving her the searching stare she imagined he used on his patients.

"Sounds good" He finally said sliding in to the passenger seat.

Carol got into the driver's seat starting the car. "I need to go into the station for a while. So, I'll just drop you off and we'll get back to work tonight after you've rested."

He nodded yawning again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

It was after dark when Tony woke up in the unfamiliar guest room. After they had gotten to her apartment Carol had given him a quick tour and then gone back to work. He had showered and then slipped into a deep sleep.

Now that he was awake he lay staring up at the shadows that the slowly turning fan blades cast across the ceiling. He couldn't help but wonder what the hell he was doing here. He tried to tell himself that he was here to help, here for the case, for the victims. But he knew that wasn't the truth, not the whole truth anyways.

He had so many questions about why Carol had left. Tony reminded himself that it was narcissistic to assume that it had had anything to do with him, but it was hard not to think that he had scared her away. The weeks after the diagnosis of his brain tumor had been excruciatingly difficult, slowly losing control over both his body and his mind had scared him in a way that nothing else ever had. He knew that he had not handled it very well; pushing Carol away even while she tried so hard to be there for him. He had let himself get trapped inside his own hell without realizing that she was the only thing keeping him from disappearing entirely.

"Not until it was too late." He said to the empty room.

He forced himself to stop before he got lost inside this train of thought. He swung his legs over the side of the bed and got dressed. He was here to do a job and that was it. That was always it.

Tony walked into the living room and found Carol sitting cross legged on the floor in front of the couch.

"Oh good you're awake." She said when she saw him. "Did you get a good rest?" She stretched her arms over her head, arching her back and trying to stretch out the kinks.

"Yes…uh, tea?

"The kettle's on the stove. Tea in the side cupboard and there's take away in the fridge."

Tony nodded and set about making himself a plate. He came back balancing the plate on top of two steaming mugs. He settled down beside her on the floor handing her one of the mugs.

"Thanks." She said with a small grin.

He couldn't help but think about how much he had missed their easy familiarity. He took a bite of his food and forced his attention to the pictures spread out in front of Carol.

"What are we working on?" He asked.

"I've been trying to work out why he made the last girl swallow pieces of the mirror and if that can help us catch him."

Tony stared at the photos thinking hard as he ate. Eventually he set his plate down and reached across Carol for the photos of the last victim's body on the floor.

"You can't posses them." He said to himself.

"What do you mean?" Carol asked, finally pulling him out of his thoughts. He looked at her for a second as if trying to think of the best way to explain this.

"I am desperately lonely trapped in a private hell that I earnestly believe that no one will ever understand. I believe that I must suffer in hopeless silence until I meet you. I see you somewhere and I know you're the one. Maybe it's because of the way you look or something you do." He moved closer to her as he spoke his voice taking on the urgent intensity it always did when he talked like this. "But only you will do. I have to have you. You can fix me if I can only get enough of you. You have to totally belong to me inside and out. So I follow you, learn your routine until I finally work up the nerve. I need you but I can't risk you rejecting me so I smash your door and subdue you. Once you're down I tape your hands and mouth. You're mine now. I own you." He reached out and almost touched her face. "I drag you to the studio, the room of mirrors, my ultimate challenge. This time it's okay because I have you, the one, but when the moment comes I can't."

Carol's eyes widened with understanding "He's impotent."

"Yes, and he hates himself for it so he blames them. Blames anyone but himself and kills them to conceal his failure. Essentially he's a burgeoning rapist who has been compelled by his own biology to take things to the next level. He feels he can't stop but he can't acknowledge what he's doing"

"So he destroys the only witnesses, the women and the mirrors." Carol said the pieces all finally falling into place.

"Exactly."

"So, how does this help us?"

"He will most likely have sought treatment for his condition, trying medications and medical trials, but it won't have helped."

"Why not?" Carol asked wondering how Tony could possibly know this.

"Because his condition is likely the cause of prolonged emotional and sexual abuse in short, a psychological problem not a physical one."

"And he believes that if he finds the right woman she'll cure him."

Tony nodded.

"I'll get my team to start checking with medical facilities to look for British nationals who have received treatment for E. D." She stood up and retrieved her cell phone from the dining room table. Tony picked up his dishes and carried them to the kitchen. As Carol dialed she paused for a second and looked at him.

"Thanks, Tony."

"Anytime." He said with a shrug as though he regularly flew half way across the world to advice on cases.

Tony moved from the floor to the couch listening to the muffled sound of Carol's voice as she paced and talked on the phone in the next room. Staring out the large front window at the sun disappearing behind the horizon in the cloudless sky he tried to shake the grimy, dirty feeling he always had after plunging too deeply into a twisted mind. He knew who he was and always came back to himself, but some remnant of the madness still seemed to cling to him trying desperately to push everything else out. It was like trying to wash ink off of skin. He could blur the outlines and fade the color but a vague tint still remained.

He was struck by the strong contrast between the way he and Carol did their jobs. She had seen horrible, unspeakable things and looked evil full in the face, but she had never been inside it the way that he had. He sincerely hoped that she would never have to. He didn't know if he could bear it if this indefinable thing that hung about him like a shadow keeping him from the rest of the world was to claim her too.

This was his job, his purpose. He did it for the victims who didn't have a voice anymore and he did it for her. It was the only modicum of protection that he could offer her. Tony thought darkly that this was why she had called, it was the only reason that she had finally reached out to him. Standing in the gap between her and the darkness was the only kind of love he could offer her.

After Carol had called everyone she needed to and set them to their respective tasks she returned to the living room. She found Tony sitting on the couch and staring out her front window at the night sky. Carol bent down and collected the photos from her floor and put them back into the case folder. She deposited it on the coffee table and sat down on the opposite end of the couch. Tucking one leg underneath her, she turned to face Tony and settled into the comfortable overstuffed cushions. The only light in the room was the lamp beside the couch and in the dimness Carol noticed that despite his tired posture Tony's blue eyes were still electric with activity.

"What are you thinking about?" Carol asked when she could no longer stand the silence.

"Bradfield." He answered in his typically cryptic manner turning towards her.

"Sorry to pull you away from your life." She said, looking genuinely contrite.

"Carol, you know me. I have no life." Tony said his mouth curving into a teasing smile. Carol opened her mouth to argue but couldn't think of any evidence to the contrary so she simply closed it again.

After another minute of silence she asked, "Are you still working with the police?" She couldn't help but think how odd it felt to be making small talk with him. They typically talked about work and the way work affected them. Even when they were at their closest they had still rarely talked about their day to day life.

"Yes, I actually just wrapped up a case with them a couple of weeks ago. Which is why Kate almost burst a blood vessel when I told her that I was taking off to South Africa." Carol had to stop herself from rolling her eyes at the mention of Kate's name.

"You never liked her, did you?" Tony asked in response to Carol's face.

"She was alright, just so transparently trying to get her hooks into you that it was a little embarrassing to witness."

"Really," Tony said incredulously, "I never noticed."

"You never do," Carol said with a laugh, "Sometimes I think I should start holding up cue cards to clue you in."

"That would certainly make my life easier," Tony said laughing as well, "Anyways, Kate's remarried now so that simplifies things."

"I'd imagine it does. How is everyone at the Bradfield CID?"

"They seem good. I think Kevin may be trying to work up the nerve to ask Paula out."

"Please, that's old news. Poor Kevin has been trying to do that for years," Carol said, "How's my…the new DI?" she had almost said "my replacement" but at the last second she couldn't.

"Interesting, different. She's a good cop," Tony said with a shrug, "Are you happy here?"

His question caught her off guard and she fumbled for words for a second.

"As happy as I can be I suppose. I really enjoy my job. My boss is a bit of a prick, but I've had worse. The weather's definitely better." She said with a smile nodding towards the crystal clear sky outside of the window. Tony was looking at her with the same penetrating gaze that had always driven her mad. "I mean, I miss England and my colleagues, my family but it was time for a change." Tony felt the slight edge that crept into her voice on the last word.

"What about you, are you happy?" Carol asked turning the tables. He squirmed as he always did when asked a direct personal question.

"I just told you that I have no life and you want to know if I'm happy?" Tony said the teasing tone back in his voice as he deflected her question.

"I guess not." Carol answered her shoulders sagging a bit as she allowed him to keep her out once again. They sat in silence for a long minute both staring out the window to keep from having to look at each other, each thinking how different this silence felt from the hundreds they had shared before. The space between them slowly sealing up with all the things that they wouldn't or couldn't say. Carol couldn't help but think that asking him to stay had been a mistake. Things could never be how they had been.

"Well, I guess I should turn…" She started.

"Why did you leave?" Tony interrupted. Carol paused halfway off of the couch and settled back. She took a deep breath debating how to answer.

"I just felt like I had reached a point in my life where nothing was really moving forward. I had been in Bradfield long enough for it to feel like home, but instead of feeling comfortable, I felt trapped. I realized nothing was ever going to change unless I changed it and when this job opened up it seemed like just what I had been looking for."

"Did it work?" Tony asked.

"Did moving fix everything, you mean?" Carol asked. Tony nodded. "Yes and no. Some things can't be fixed with a change of address." She looked at him more intensely than she meant to as she said this, giving herself away.

"I tried." Tony said returning her gaze, speaking to her subtext rather than her words as he often did. Carol felt a flash of anger flare inside her.

"My leaving had nothing to do with that." She snapped, but at the look of hurt on his face her anger faded. "I know you did, it was just…"

"Too little too late." Tony said quietly. There was nothing to say to that. They both knew it was true.

"I really should get to bed." Carol said finally.

"Yeah me too." Tony added staring out the window again. Carol got up squeezing his shoulder reassuringly as she passed.

"Goodnight, Tony."

"Goodnight, Carol."

She disappeared into her room and Tony sat on the couch staring out at the night sky as if it had the answers that he required and was refusing to yield them. Finally exhaustion overtook him and returned to his room and fell into a light, fitful sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

The next morning Tony accompanied Carol to the police station in order to present what he had of the profile so far. The ride to the station had seemed rather long as they both sat in a silence that they pretended was comfortable.

Carol had laid awake long after heading to bed last night wrestling with all of the questions that Tony had raised. "Why had she left?" "Was she happy here?" "Why had she asked for his help?" She had not been able to come up with any satisfactory answers and had woken up after a few short hours of sleep feeling just as confused and more than a little irritable.

She was relieved to be heading into work; it was an arena in which she felt much more in control. She used the silence of the car ride to get her feelings in check and shift her focus to what was really important. If they didn't catch this killer soon he would almost certainly claim another victim. After arriving at the station Carol gave Tony a quick tour and stopped by her office to deposit their belongings.

"Much bigger desk." Tony said without thinking.

"Y-Yes, well…Where do you want to do this?" Carol asked. Tony looked taken aback. "The profile, Tony."

"Oh, wherever you like."

"The conference room has a whiteboard and should have enough chairs. I'll tell everyone to meet in there." Carol said leaving her office with Tony following close behind.

After everyone had taken their seats Carol introduced Tony and explained a little bit about what he did and how he would be assisting them before handing the floor over to him and going to stand at the back of the room. Tony cleared his throat and then started.

"While this case still definitely has a great deal of questions left to be answered there are a few things that we can be fairly certain about. The killer is a male between the ages of 20-35 and he is either a British citizen or spent the majority of his childhood somewhere in the U.K." Tony wrote each point on the white board as he spoke.

"How can we be certain about that?" An eager looking detective in the front row asked, his pen and notebook poised and ready.

"Because of his choice of victims. Every single one of them had recently emigrated from the U.K. The fact that he selected these women argues that he was heavily exposed to British women early in life. He feels save with them and conversely something about them enrages him." Tony explained. "Now the defining characteristic of these crimes seems to be the breaking of mirrors and the use of the glass as the murder weapon. While there could be numerous explanations for this behavior. I believe that we can assume that the killer is reacting to some form of sexual dysfunction."

"Why not some type of physical deformity?" An older more seasoned looking detective at the back asked.

"Good question. I thought about that at first but I think that we can safely rule it out for two reasons. First, the first victim let her into her room. This means that there is nothing about him that made her uncomfortable. Also, he does not bring a weapon to the scene almost as if he is hoping that he will not have to kill his victim. He is planning on attacking them, but the clear escalation of violence indicates a level of frustration. Something happens during the course of the attack that causes him to resort to torture and murder, something he blames the victims for."

"He can't get it up?" The older detective volunteered again to the sound of appreciative chuckles from his colleagues.

"Exactly." Tony said, noticing as he did that someone had stepped into the room and was having a whispered conversation with Carol. She got up and hurriedly left. He continued to explain the finer points of the killer's psychology only to be interrupted by Carol stepping back into the conference room.

"I'm sorry everyone but this is going to have to wait. There's been another victim and we're needed at the scene. Those of you who were canvassing local hospitals and clinics please continue to do so. The rest of you head out." She instructed. There was a flurry of activity as everyone collected their belongings and made their way out. Tony made his way through the tangle of people to where she was standing.

"What do we know so far?" He asked apprehensively taking in the somber expression on Carol's face.

"The victim's name is Eileen Turner, 28 years old. She was discovered by her 5 year old daughter and the neighbor who normally brings her home from preschool."

"Killed in her home in the middle of the day?" Tony asked. Carol nodded. "He's taking bigger and bigger risks. He's not getting what he needs from the attacks and he's starting to feel desperate."

"That should be good for us. Hopefully he'll start making mistakes and make our job that much easier."

"True, but he'll also likely pick victims more quickly and be all the more vicious to them when he does." Tony said with a little shake of his head as they made their way out of the conference room.

When they arrived at the scene there was already a sizeable crowd of on lookers gathered around the police barricades. Carol made her way through the crowd; Tony following close behind. They crossed the painstakingly tended garden by the front door, Carol nodding in greeting to the officer stationed at the door as they made their way into the victim's house.

"The body is through here." One of the first officers on the scene told them indicating a small hallway to the left.

Carol and Tony followed one of the officers into the victim's bedroom. The room showed obvious signs of a struggle. The bedside table was lying on its side on the floor amidst the wreckage of a broken lamp, a pair of eyeglasses and small clock. There was also a framed photo lying face down on the floor. Tony stooped and picked it up with latex glove that Carol handed him. He shook some of the broken glass out of the frame it showed a little girl wrapped in the arms of a woman whose head was thrown back in laughter. Tony gently laid the picture and frame back on the ground where he had found it.

From where they were standing it was clear that the mirror in the corner of the room had been broken, a few jagged pieces still standing in the frame. Carol could see the reflection of one limp bare foot peaking out from the edge of the bed across the room. The carpet was a deep brownish red from where the blood had pooled around the body. They made their way carefully across to where the medical examiner was checking the body.

"Hey Carol." the M.E. said without looking up. She was a middle-aged black woman named Sharon Crow whose wide eyes and tight curls gave the impression of constantly crackling with energy. She had worked with Carol on almost every homicide case that she had had since arriving in Johannesburg. "We have got to stop meeting like this. Who is this?" She asked finally looking up and noticing Tony surveying the contents on the top of the victim's dresser.

"This is Dr. Tony Hill. He's a clinical psychologist whose been assisting us on the case." Carol said making the introductions. "Tony this is Dr. Sharon Crow she is our chief medical examiner." he didn't seem to hear his attention seemed to be completely absorbed by something laying on the dresser. "Tony?"

"She worked at a urologist's office." He said lifting an identification badge on the end of a chain.

"Do think that's how he met her?" Carol asked. Tony just shrugged in reply coming to stand behind her as she knelt down beside the body.

"What have we got?" Carol asked turning her attention back to Sharon.

"The victim appears to have died between 3-5 hours ago. She suffered numerous stab wounds to the chest and torso. This one here was likely the fatal injury." Sharon pointed to a jagged wound at the base of the victim's throat and Carol leaned in closer.

"Is there something in her mouth?" She asked noticing that the tape had peeled back.

"Good eye. I was just about to remove that." Sharon carefully extracted something vaguely organic looking from between the victim's teeth.

"Is that an ear?"

"An earlobe. It looks like our vic got a piece of him."

"Good for her." Carol said sadly looking down at the eyes of the lifeless woman in front of her thinking about how hard she had fought to stay in this world, to stay with her family.

"Did you peel the tape back?" Tony asked the ME.

"No it was like that when we found her."

"Do you think that simply came unstuck?"

"No." Sharon said leaning in for a closer look. "It looks like it was ripped off, see this red irritation around the mouth."

"Before or after death?" Tony asked.

"It would have to have been before death or we wouldn't see this degree of skin discoloration."

"Why would he bother putting tape over her mouth, if he was just going to pull it off?" Carol asked.

Tony looked at her for a second clearly thinking hard and then finally said "I don't know."

"Please let me know when they get the DNA results and make sure that they compare the ear to the blood found at the first crime scene." Carol said to Sharon.

"Sure thing, Gov." Sharon said with a hint of a smile. Carol had accidentally once told her that that was how the other officers in Bradfield had addressed her. Sharon had thought this was hilarious and had called her that ever since. Carol got up, marveling at people's ability to get used to anything. Sharon was just as likely to crack jokes over a corpse as over a beer. It was a bit disturbing but came with the territory.

In the shadows between a neighboring house and a large hedge a man stood just hidden from the view of the cops who were crawling over the crime scene like so many ants. He rolled his shoulders trying to relax the stiffness and tension that had plagued him all afternoon. He watched as a body covered in a sheet was rolled out of the front door on a stretcher and unconsciously moved his hand to the makeshift bandage covering what was left of his ear.

"Stupid Bitch." He thought to himself. It was not his fault that she had been such a colossal disappointment. The first time he had heard her speak he had thought that he knew.

She had come into the customs office at the back of the post office where he worked to ask about how to get a work visa. He had felt something inside him stir at the beautiful melodic tones of her voice. Her accent was perfect. He had thought that she was different from the rest, but he had been wrong. She had let him down like all the rest just like his mother had done.

Before he could stop it, a memory overtook him. He was five years old sitting in a warm soapy bath. His mother was sitting on the mat next to the tub gently washing him with a wash cloth. She had come home to find him curled into a ball in the corner of his room whimpering and naked from the waist down. Her boyfriend, Larry, was calmly sitting in the living room watching television. Rather than ask her son what happened, she scooped him up in her arms and carried him into the bathroom. She had filled the tub with water and soap and placed him in it. As she ran the wash cloth over his body ignoring the hand shaped bruise on the back of his neck and his other injuries she talked to him.

"Baby, I know that you're scared and confused right now but you have to be strong. You have to be strong for mummy. Someday when you're older you will find a nice girl and she will make everything better for you the way that Larry has for me."

His young mind had strained to try to make sense of the contradictions inherent in what she was saying. He was still so hurt and afraid that he had given up focusing instead on the feel of the wash rag on his skin and the soothing sound of his mother's words.

He was pulled back to the present by the sound of a hauntingly familiar voice saying "I'm going back to the station. Make sure that the neighbor knows not to go anywhere in case we need to ask her more questions."

If the officer at the door answered her he didn't hear it. His focus was completely consumed by her. She was slender with blond hair just as his mother had been, but unlike his mother this one had an easy confidence about her. She was clearly in charge and comfortable being so. He wondered what she would feel like in his hands. How she would yield under his control. Maybe she was exactly what he was looking for.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

Once back at the station Carol was almost immediately accosted by the eager looking detective that Tony had learned was named Nickens.

"The boss wants to see you."

"Shit," Carol muttered to herself as Nickens skittered away, "This can't be good. Tony, feel free to make yourself comfortable and just ask any of the other officers if you need anything." she said with a tight smile before hurrying away.

Tony settled himself in an empty desk, drumming his fingers on the scratched wooden surface as he mentally walked back through the crime scene. He tried to make all of the pieces fit but they refused to assemble into anything resembling a cohesive explanation. He sighed, annoyed with his lack of focus and decided that if he was going to get anything done he would need the books that he had left in Carol's office. He got up and made his way back to the side corridor where the office was located and wandered down the hall reading the names on the doors. He stopped when he passed by a partially opened door and heard, "This is the fourth body in less than 3 months and we don't have so much as a list of suspects."

"Yes, sir, we are pursuing every available lead." Tony recognized Carol's even voice and edged closer to the door ignoring the nagging inner voice that told him to just keep walking.

"What leads are those exactly?" The booming voice continued "This profile?" Tony heard the edge of mocking in the unknown voice and the sound of papers being tossed on a desk.

"Yes, sir."

"A British male in his 20s to 30s. That describes thousands of people in Johannesburg."

"We are merely trying to narrow the field." Carol explained without a hint of irritation in her voice. Tony had always admired her ability to stay calm in situations like this.

"And this bit about him being impotent" Her boss pressed on clearly not listening, "How exactly do you propose we determine that? Should we ask for a demonstration of sexual prowess during the interrogation?"

"No, but it could help us…"

"You know, Jordan, we decided to hire you because you came so highly recommended particularly for your work on serial murders. But since you have been here I have seen absolutely nothing to justify this reputation. Maybe in Yorkshire, or wherever the hell you are from, serial killers simply show up on your doorstep begging to be caught, but that is not how it works here. It takes work to solve a case, work that I am not at all sure that you are capable of handling. You and your performance have proved to be depressingly mediocre. No wonder they were so keen to be rid…"

That was all Tony could listen to. He reached up and knocked on the door, knowing that Carol would be furious but not caring.

"What is it?" The booming voice snapped. Tony stepped into the room and saw a large sweaty man sitting behind the desk opposite of Carol, his face red with exertion.

"Um, yes." Tony said, standing there awkwardly for a moment.

"Well?"

"My name is Dr. Tony Hill. I'm here to assist on the mirror case and I thought that I would introduce myself." He answered a little lamely.

"Jordan called you, did she?" The man behind the desk asked failing to introduce himself and once again not using Carol's title in a way that rankled.

"Yes."

"It's nice to meet you, Dr. Hill. God knows that some of us can use all the help that we can get."

Carol got to her feet, practically radiating with anger. "Will that be all, sir?"

"Yes, for now." Her boss said with a decidedly condescending air. She turned on her heel and walked out of the office, still remarkably composed. Tony stood there for a second unsure of what to do next. Then with a little nod to no one in particular he followed Carol out into the hallway closing the door behind him.

She was standing a little way down the hall leaning against the wall her posture rigid. She looked up when she heard the door close. Tony crossed the hallway to her leaning his back against the wall.

"Carol…" He started to ask if she was okay.

"Not now, alright?" She said her voice catching for a second. She cleared her throat and squared her shoulders. "Did you need me for something?"

"What? Oh no, I was just going to get a book I left in your office and I heard your voice…" Tony said trailing off he realized there was no was to explain what he had done that wouldn't piss her off.

"And you decided to do what, rescue me?" Carol said exasperated, "He already doesn't take me seriously. Now I'm going to have to work twice as hard to prove I can keep up with the boys. God, I honestly thought I was past all of this." She said more to herself than to Tony.

"You know that he was wrong, don't you?" Tony asked.

"Let's just get back to work." Carol said pushing off the wall.

"I'm sorry." Tony said.

"It's alright." She said her expression softening marginally. "I appreciate the thought. Just try and keep any chivalrous impulses in check from now on, yeah?"

He nodded and added "I didn't even know that I had any." with a small smile. She shook her head, begrudgingly grinning in return.

The rest of the day seemed to pass in a haze of discouraging news and dead ends. The ear had indeed matched the blood found at the first crime scene but had not matched any of the DNA samples in the system. So they now had proof that all of the homicides were the work of one killer but they were no closer to identifying who he was. While several detectives had spent the day canvassing medical facilities that offered treatment for erectile dysfunction, focusing on the clinic where the final victim had worked, their search had yielded a daunting number of men who fit the criteria of the profile . Through their interviews with the clinic staff they had also discovered that several men used assumed names when they had signed up for treatment.

At around 9:00, Carol had resigned herself to the fact that they were not going to find anything else today and had suggested to Tony that they head back to her apartment and try to get some rest. He hadn't argued, having spent the remainder of the evening pacing the conference room tearing strips off of a roll of duct tape and trying to find what they were missing and coming up empty handed.

Once they were in the apartment Carol tossed her keys on the little table in the entry way and walked wordlessly into the kitchen. She poured them each a glass of wine and handed one to Tony before taking a long slow swallow of her own. She closed her eyes and let out a deep breath trying to will away the head ache that had been building steadily all afternoon. Tony sipped his wine clearly waiting for her to speak, sensing that she needed to talk. She hated that even after all this time she couldn't resist the urge to divulge things to him that she would never tell anyone else.

"What if the Chief's right?" She finally asked "What if I am losing my touch?"

"You're not." Tony answered in an infuriatingly matter of fact tone.

"How would you know? You haven't seen me in more than a year." Carol said her voice raising with some of the anger that she had kept so carefully contained.

"Whose choice was that?" Tony thought but wisely decided to stay silent knowing that that wasn't really what she was angry about. She hated even the implication of incompetence and was terrified of failing at the one thing that she had constructed so much of her life around.

"If I can't solve cases like this then I have no right to do this job," Carol said staring into the glass in her hand, "and without this job I have no idea who I am." The last admission cost her dearly and she leaned heavily against the counter as though without it she would simply collapse under the weight of her doubts. She looked more defeated than Tony had ever seen her and it made his heart ache.

"Carol, look at me." Tony instructed, setting down his glass and moving closer to her. She reluctantly met his eyes. "I may not know anything about what's happened in these past few years, but I do know you. You care more about justice and protecting people than anyone I have ever met. It's a part of you and that's what makes you so damn good at your job. You define it, it doesn't define you." He place a hand on her arm, hoping that some of his belief in her might radiate through his touch. Her face softened a bit, clearly heartened by his words.

"The whole time the chief was talking I just kept seeing that little girl from the picture and all I could think was that her mother's killer might go free."

"He won't. You won't let that happen," Seeing the doubt still in her eyes Tony added, "We won't let that happen. You're not in this alone, you know." He risked moving his hand from her arm to her back hoping that proximity could communicate what his words could not.

"Thanks, Tony," She said relaxing against his arm a little ashamed how much better simply being close to him made her feel, "Sorry to dump all of this on you."

"You have to talk to someone and besides I like hearing what you're feeling. It's like getting to look right at an eclipse or something." He said with a grin.

Carol gave him a small smile in return. "What about you, anyone listening to your inner thoughts these days?"

"I'm not sure the world is ready for my inner thoughts." Tony said trying to smile but failing.

They stood in silence for a bit, neither really wanting the moment to end. It was so rare for either of them to get to be this close to someone. Carol couldn't help but notice that he hadn't pulled his hand away, it was still resting comfortably on the small of her back.

"I have missed you." She meant to say more but she couldn't. This seemed to break the spell. Tony pulled his hand away and took a step back. He took a long sip of his wine and seemed to be considering something.

"Carol…" He said without looking at her, his voice maddeningly sympathetic. She was on the verge of apologizing or explaining when he continued. "Nothing about my life has been quite right since you left," He said carefully weighing each word, "I meant what I said that day outside the hospital. I want you with me. I know that I had been awful to you and I know it's selfish. I'm very…" he paused searching for the right word. "broken, and there's darkness in me I don't quite understand. All I know is that everything makes more sense when I'm around you. I need you, Carol." He finally admitted, echoing words that she had said to him a half dozen times. He looked up tentatively meeting her gaze fully expecting to be chucked out. Her eyes were wide with surprise.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have." Tony started embarrassment burning in his cheeks. Without warning Carol reached out wrapping her arms around him and pulling him to her. He hesitated for a second before wrapping his arms around her as well, marveling at how perfectly she seemed to fit in them. They stayed like that for a long moment both a little afraid that moving would shatter this tenuous new honesty. Finally Carol pulled back and looked at him. She could see all of her conflicted emotions reflected back at her in his almost transparent blue eyes. It was like the shudders that always kept everyone out were open and she could really see him.

Tony felt an old familiar fear creep back into his mind. He was exposed and she could see, he braced himself for her to pull away. When she didn't he decided that it was better to quit while he was ahead.

"Maybe we should…" His voice faltered when she placed a hand gently on the side of his face and leaned forward finding his lips with hers. Her kiss was soft but insistent. She wasn't running away this time.

He responded hungrily trying to make himself believe that this was really happening. They had been so close so many times before but one of them had always pulled away, refusing to bridge the distance that was so small and yet seemingly insurmountable. They kissed for a long time balancing against the counter, almost tripping over each other's feet as their hands explored formerly forbidden territory. Tony kissed down her jaw to the soft skin of her neck, wanting to taste every inch of her. Carol pulled at the fabric of his shirt, fumbling with buttons. As her back bumped against one of the drawer handles, she had a brief flash of lucidity and decided that this would be more comfortable and slightly more dignified in her bed. She pulled away, threading her fingers through his and leading him across the living room to her bedroom.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

_ Tony was walking down a long dark hallway and his mind was burning with a single purpose. He had to silence it, he had to make it go away. Suddenly he was kneeling on the highly polished wooden floor of the dance studio; something squirmed beside him annoying him. Without stopping to think he drove his fist into the mirror next to him. He hit it again and again feeling the shards tear into his hands and the blood trickle down his wrists. The thing beside him let out a muffled cry and realized that it was a woman and he was also absolutely sure that this was all her fault. He dropped to his knees beside her picking up one of the large jagged pieces of glass and plunging it deep into the soft flesh of her stomach. He did this again and again until she stopped struggling. He leaned forward over her his hand slipping a bit in the growing pool of blood. He needed to hear her voice. He ripped the tape off of her mouth and realized with a stab of horror that it was Carol. She drew in a shallow rasping breath._

_ "Why?" she asked her eyes locked on his. Her bloody hands reached up and clutched at him impossibly strong. "Why me?" _

Tony jolted awake, the bloody terror seeming to disintegrate more slowly than a normal dream. He lay perfectly still trying to make himself believe that it hadn't been real, commanding himself to breath normally. He felt a hand on his chest and was surprised for a second to realize that he wasn't alone.

Carol moved beside him, murmuring something in her sleep her head resting on his shoulder. The night came back to him in pieces, the feel of her tongue against his, the soft skin on the side of her breast, her voice in his ear, her hand on his…the dream seemed to press in on him again, jerking him out of his reminiscence.

He was wasting time; somewhere out there was a man already stalking his next victim desperate to prove he was in control. Tony carefully slid out of bed disentangling himself from his sleeping companion without waking her. He fished his undershirt and boxers out of the pile of clothes on the floor and made his way quietly to the door. He paused for a minute at the doorway and looked at Carol sleeping. He was flooded with all of the feelings of loss and loneliness that he had felt in the years since she left and decided that he didn't want her to wake up alone.

Carol woke up a few hours later to the sound of someone typing, her room bathed in the faint blue glow of a lap top screen. Tony was sitting a few feet from her his lap top cradled in his lap, clearly hard at work. Carol couldn't help but smile at the mental image of him waking up and tip toeing out to get his computer and come back. It was strangely touching and a bit odd, very him. She sat up leaning forward and resting her chin on his shoulder.

"Hi." She said, lazily content.

"Hi," He answered without looking up and then added a little guiltily, "Did I wake you?"

"No, I should get up anyways." She said with a sigh glancing at the clock and seeing that it was almost five in the morning. "Do you want coffee?"

"Yeah, that would be nice."

"And, Tony." He turned his face towards her "definitely worth more than a five minute walk even if it had been raining." She said with a grin and he leaned forward kissing her, his lap top almost sliding off the bed as the kiss grew more passionate. He hurriedly pulled away and scrambled to catch it before it fell to the floor.

"Okay, coffee and work." She commanded herself getting up and crossing to her dresser trying not to think about how bizarre it was to be naked in front of him. He looked up shamelessly watching her as she pulled on a pair of track pants and a t-shirt. He tried to wrap his head around the fact that it had happened and the world hadn't ended. They were still speaking, still working together, it was okay.

"You'll just let her down." insisted the nagging voice inside his head that always seemed to crop up whenever he got too close to someone.

"This is different." He said out loud to himself.

"What was that?" Carol asked.

"Nothing." He answered a little too quickly. She looked at him quizzically for a second.

"Okay." She said reminding herself that Tony talking to himself was nothing new and deciding that she really needed coffee if she was going to focus.

Carol put the coffee on and headed into the living room to find that Tony had relocated to the couch.

"I thought we'd get more done in here." He said matter-of-factly as she joined him.

"What have you got?" She asked.

"It's the tape, it doesn't make any sense. These attacks are about control, domination. He beats his victims to subdue them, he restrains them, moves them. Its about immobilization and simplicity but there is something else that he is trying to say. I just couldn't make sense of it until now. It was actually something you said about using the fact that he made the one victim eat glass to help us understand his relationship to the victims."

Carol nodded in response as he picked up the case file and leafed through it until he found the pages he was looking for.

"So, I went back and started reading the victims bios and realized that they were all originally from London. And not just that, they were all from the same area of north east London." He turned his lap top screen so that Carol could see the enlarged map that he had pulled up. Carol realized with a little jolt that the street that she had grown up on was right in the heart of this area.

"Do you think he has access to their addresses?"

"Possibly, but I think it's about more than that. I think he may be picking them based on the sound of their voice, their accent. That's why he has to so violently subdue them. Their voice fills him with longing but with it comes memories he can't acknowledge. So he silences them as quickly as possible in order to keep the fantasy alive and to reclaim a sense of control. That's why he peels the tape away just before he kills them. He wants to hear them beg. He needs that final reminder of his own humiliation to justify torturing and finally killing them." Tony explained. Carol's heart started to race with the implications of this discovery.

"Tony, this is brilliant," Carol said, "You said that out killer had likely been abused as a child?"

"I'm certain he was." Tony answered seeing where she was going with this.

"If we can call the police in this area and have them check reports of children who had been sexually abused 15-20 years ago, it's a long shot, but we might finally be able to get a name for this guy." Carol beamed at him feeling a surge of relief at having their first solid lead since the beginning of the case.

"Tell them that you're looking for cases in which a male child was abused repeatedly over an extended period of time. They can eliminate any case where the pedophile only had one encounter with the victim. It is also likely that our killer lived with a female guardian, a mother or a sister, who stood by and allowed the abuse to occur. They would not have filed the complaint or been willing to cooperate with the investigating officers."

"That's why he hates his victims, he associates them with the woman who failed him?" Carol asked and Tony nodded.

"Imagine it was you. You are completely dependent on this person for every aspect of your well being and for your sense of normal human behavior. They know that someone is hurting you in the worse way that someone can, but they do nothing to stop it.

They refuse to even acknowledge that it is happening. Perhaps they're a victim them selves or maybe they're complicit in the abuse either way they betray you every time that they turn a blind eye." Tony explained. Carol felt slightly nauseous as she realized that she was starting to sincerely pity the killer.

"Do you think that he has a choice?" She asked.

"Of course he does. We all do. Our killer can't acknowledge what happened to him so he relies on this fantasy of finding a savior. He keeps the memories at bay with this impossible ideal. When his own body betrays him and he perceives that his victim has failed him as she inevitably must he is overwhelmed by the rage, frustration and pain. He lashes out with all the violence he can. This is about punishment, revenge." Carol sat for a minute digesting what Tony had said.

"We should probably get ready and head in to the station," She said getting up, "I'm going to grab a shower. The coffee should be ready in kitchen by now." She headed to her room leaving him alone with his thoughts.

Tony got up and walked to the kitchen as he heard the shower start in the other room. He poured himself a cup of coffee immediately taking a sip and wincing as it burnt his tongue.

He tried to keep his mind focused on the case, typically it consumed him to such a degree that he was hardly able to think about anything else, but this time was different. Try as he might he could not keep his thoughts away from what had happened last night. He kept remembering how right it had felt to wake up with her in his arms. He wanted to savor these memories but his nightmare kept intruding reminding him what too often became of the people he cared about.

He had long ago accepted that he was sinking slowly in the quicksand of all that he had seen and done but he would be damned if he was going to take Carol down with him. Besides, he reminded himself firmly, it would never work. It was presumptuous of him to even assume that she wanted it to work. She had needed comfort, a friend, last night and he had been there. That was all. They would solve this case, she would stay here and he would go home. Nothing had really changed.

Carol allowed her mind to wander as the steaming water swirled around her. She felt an almost giddy sense of relief to finally have a lead. She felt as though she had been running into a brick wall over and over since this case had broken, every trail of evidence leading nowhere. It had been exhausting and incredibly discouraging, so much so that she had done something she had promised herself that she would never do again. She had called Tony. It was crazy how just being around him had taken her right back to the same place that she had been before she had left.

_"If you don't mind me saying so, I think you may depend on him too much." _

Don's words of so many years ago still stung with their truth. Carol wanted to think that she was autonomous, self sufficient, and she was most of the time. But when she was around Tony she felt herself wanting to be open with someone, to depend on him and be depended on. It was a truly terrifying desire and one that had wounded her deeply in the past, but she still couldn't seem to shut herself off to it.

Last night had been different. He hadn't left her hanging, he hadn't pulled away from her with that sad sympathetic expression she had come to loathe. He had been fully present with her for what felt like the first time. And for the first time in forever she had woken up next some one without wishing they would just leave so that she wouldn't have to deal with the awkward morning after conversation.

Carol mentally shook herself. In all likelihood Tony would simply just pretend that nothing between them had really changed. She knew that he had an incredibly difficult time being close to anyone and that when he was uncomfortable he retreated.

She felt a knot in the pit of her stomach as she confronted this possibility. She wasn't sure if she could go back to their strange dance, switching back and forth between colleagues, friends, and almost lovers, so fast that it was dizzying. Carol realized that the water had gone cold. She turned off the faucet and forced herself to lock these thoughts away with efficiency born of years of practice. They were still far from having the killer in custody and she had a long day ahead of her. She needed to stay focused. Everything else could wait.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

Later that afternoon at the station Tony was sitting in the same empty desk he had used the day before. He had presented the rest of the profile including the new lead they had found. Carol had been on the phone almost since their arrival that morning speaking with various government offices in London trying to track down the information that they needed.

Tony was unsure of what to do next and was starting to feel antsy. He got up and made his way to Carol's office, knocking softly before poking his head in. She was still on the phone but motioned to him to come in.

"Right, yes. Thank you it's coming through right now. You've been very helpful." She said wrapping up her conversation as the fax machine in her office beeped to life and started to spit out paper. "I was just about to come get you." she said crossing to the machine.

"Did you find something?"

"Yes, finally." Carol said her voice a bit haggard from talking all day. "There were twenty-five abuse cases that matched our criteria in that area of London. Of those twenty-five only two have since emigrated to South Africa. One killed himself five years ago. The other's name is Ryan McMurphy. His last known address puts him here in Johannesburg. I've already dispatched a team to pick him up and bring him in for questioning. I wanted you to look at his case history and see if you think that he could be our guy."

She handed him the stack of papers that had just been faxed to her. Tony took them and sat down in the chair across from Carol's desk as she perched on the edge. He read it quickly, each piece of the story serving to fill in the picture he had already constructed of the killer. He was from a lower middle class family, abused by his mother's boyfriend, finally put in foster care at fifteen after his mother's death, and had moved to South Africa at eighteen. Then the case history stopped.

"Do you think that it's him?" Carol asked.

"I do," Tony said, "I think you've found your man."

"Well, we'll see if the address is any good but at least now we have a name and face." She said with an audible sigh. She had been holding her breath while he read without realizing it. "Thanks for your help. I had almost forgotten how much easier this is with a partner." She said with a grin.

Tony returned it half heartedly and it came out looking more like a grimace. "I suppose I should schedule my flight back."

"You're leaving? The case isn't even closed yet." Carol said taken aback.

"From here on in it's just by the book police work which you certainly don't need me for. Besides, I can't afford to be gone from work for much longer." He said, trying not to sound like he was making excuses.

"Right," Carol said flatly, "I'll take you to the airport on my way in tomorrow morning."

"It would probably just be easier if I stayed at the airport hotel tonight. If you'll give me a key I can pick up my stuff from your place and then drop it in your mail box." Tony said in what he hoped was a casual voice.

Carol had the vague impression that this was what it must feel like to get slapped across the face. She wordlessly fished her keys out of her bag and slipped her apartment key off of the ring.

"I appreciate your help as always. We could not have solved this without you." She said, her voice icy. She set the key in his open hand, touching him as little as possible. He closed his hand around the key getting to his feet; unable to ignore the betrayed look on her face. He hated doing this but reminded himself firmly that it was for the best. She had a life here that he had no part in. They would have to say goodbye eventually. There didn't seem to be much point in putting it off. It was time for him to leave. She would be fine without him.

"Anytime…and good luck." He said before turning and walking out of the office. He knew it was a totally inadequate goodbye but he also knew that nothing he could say would ever be enough.

Carol watched him go in stunned silence. It seemed crazy that she had been excited just minutes ago. This was it, they were done. Years of friendship, work, and whatever else they had been gone in one simple conversation. He had finally really closed the door. She thought of all of the hundreds of times that she had quietly watched him withdraw, retreating inside himself, always too afraid to risk saying what she was actually feeling. She had been a coward, but she wasn't going to be one now.

She hurried out of her office just in time to see him disappear into the stairwell. She followed after him catching up to him on the second landing.

"Tony, wait." She called. He stopped turning to face her, looking at her with an expectant, bewildered expression. She took a deep breath resigning herself to really laying all her cards on the table. "Don't go." She said plainly.

"I have to," He said almost as though he were reciting something he had rehearsed, "What did you expect, Carol? The case is over, it's time for me to leave, like always."

"Bullshit!" She snapped "You're running away."

His blue eyes flashed dangerously. "Well, I guess it's my turn isn't it?" His voice dripped with old anger as he turned away from her. She reached out and caught his arm turning him back towards her.

"Don't…"She started but he surprised them both by crushing his mouth against hers, backing her up against the wall, one hand insistently on her hip the other braced behind her. Her fist twisted in the fabric of his sleeve, her other hand grabbing the back of his neck. It was too rough and frantic to really be called a kiss. They pushed and pulled at each other, desperately fighting for control. After a long moment, Tony broke away his face still almost touching hers as they both tried to catch their breath.

"I'm sorry. I can't." He said quietly before twisting out of her grasp and hurrying down the stairs.

Carol drew a ragged breath, embarrassed to feel tears stinging her eyes. She swallowed them down hard as she slid down the wall until she was sitting on the floor listening to the echo of his foot steps as he hurried away. She stared at the industrial gray of the stairs taking long steadying breaths for a minute. Then she got calmly to her feet, smoothing down her shirt and running a hand over her hair. She pushed all of this to the dark corners of her mind where it belonged and fixed a neutral expression on her face as she headed back up the stairs. She was the job again through and through. No one ever needed to know that she had allowed herself this momentary lapse.

It was early evening by the time Tony let himself into Carol's apartment. He headed straight to the guest bedroom and hurriedly packed his belongings. Exhaustion was starting to claw at the corners of his mind as he felt himself come down from the adrenaline of their encounter in the stairwell. He hated himself for needing to feel her one last time, for being selfish to the end. He knew that he was sneaking off in the night and it felt like such an insult to what they had had before, but he couldn't see any other option.

He forced himself to focus and mentally ran through a list of the things that he had brought with him trying not to forget anything. He realized that the shirt he had been wearing yesterday was still in Carol's room.

He crossed to her bedroom his hand hesitating in midair for a second before grabbing the door knob and letting himself in. He caught the accusatory gaze of his reflection in the mirrored closet door and quickly looked away. With every second that passed he felt more and more guilty about leaving so abruptly and he could feel his resolve slipping just being here among her things. He finally found his shirt shoved between the somewhat haphazardly made bed and the wall. He retrieved it and added it to the rest of the things in his suitcase.

Tony turned to leave ready and determined to close this chapter of his life but was unable to keep himself from taking one last long look around the apartment. It felt impossible to believe that he had been here less than a week. In some ways he felt like a different person than he had been when he had boarded the plane back home. He had gotten the answers that he had desperately wanted for over a year and they hadn't fixed anything. He was just as committed to being alone, now he just didn't have anyone to blame but himself.

He closed and locked the door behind him before heading down the stairs to the bank of tenant mailboxes. He slipped the key through the tiny slot on the front of the box marked "Jordan" and heard it hit the metal interior with a depressing clink.

Rubbing his eyes wearily, Tony walked away, nearly running straight into a man with long, lanky hair who was standing outside the room of mailboxes as if waiting for Tony to leave.

"Sorry." Tony muttered when the man held up his hands in an annoyed sort of way.

The man blew air through his teeth, shoving his hands into his pockets as he pushed by Tony.

_It's just not my day_, Tony thought with a tired shake of the head as he walked away.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

Carol opened her eyes wide in an attempt to keep herself awake as she made the mercifully short drive back to her apartment. It was well after midnight and she was just now leaving the station.

The team that had raided Andrew McMurphy's apartment had found a recently vacated flat which appeared fairly normal, if a bit shabby, until they got to the back bedroom. All of the mirrors in the bathroom had been broken. One even still had a bloody smeared handprint on the glass. Forensics had matched the prints to those in the file for Mcmurphy that British social services had faxed over. A sample of the blood had been sent to the lab for DNA analysis and comparison to the blood found at the first scene and the portion of the ear found at the last.

Carol and the other detectives had spent the rest of the evening and much of the night running down every piece of information that they could on the man who now seemed almost certainly to be the killer they had been looking for. They had learned that he hadn't turned up for his job at the post office since the date of the last murder and the two officers tasked to watch his apartment hadn't seen any trace of him. He seemed to know that the police were looking for him and had gone to ground.

"We know who he is. It's just a matter of time now." Carol thought to herself as she wearily made her way through the door of her building, pausing to retrieve her key from her mailbox. She held it in her palm staring at it blankly for a second far too tired to try to make sense of what she was feeling about the other events of the day. He was gone, out of her life for good this time and here was the proof.

"Damn it, Tony." she said quietly to herself shaking her head. She would deal with all of this after the killer was safely in remand. Right now she just needed a shower and few good hours of sleep. She slipped the key back on its ring and headed up the stairs.

When she unlocked her front door and pushed it open a folded piece of paper that had been shoved into the door jam floated to the floor. She let out an exasperated sigh her building super was constantly hosting some type of mixer or social for the tenants and had clearly not gotten the hint when she had refused to turn up to a single one. She bent down retrieving the piece of paper and unfolding it fully expecting to see the usual obnoxious balloons or ice cream cones. Instead she was greeted by one simple sentence scrawled in heavy black ink:

"YOU"RE THE ONE."

Her blood ran cold even before her brain had fully processed what she was looking at. A pair of strong hands connected with her back shoving her headlong into the apartment.

Sleep simply would not come so Tony paced. His bare feet tracing and retracing the same path across the faded hotel room carpet. Something would not let him rest but it also infuriatingly refused to be understood.

At first he had thought that he was just still feeling uneasy about how he had left things with Carol or had found some latent flaw in his summation of the killer's identity, but it was more than that. It was a feeling of knowing that something had been forgotten that ought to be remembered like leaving the stove on, or keys in the car door, or forgetting to post a bill.

"Post…" He stopped mid stride. There was something there.

The stranger at the mailboxes watched him put back Carol's key. Long hair hiding his ears. A nervous response to social engagement. He was their man.

"Oh God…Carol!" He said frantically grabbing the room phone and dialing the cell number she had given, praying that she would answer.

Carol went down hard, landing on her hands and knees. She heard her wrist snap before she felt it. The sudden pain disoriented her for a second before the sound of the door being locked pulled her back to what was happening. She lashed out, kicking her assailant hard in the knee.

He let out a strangled yelp and fell heavily back against the door. Carol scrambled away from him, recognizing his face as the one she had spent most of her day trying to locate. She heard her phone start to ring from under the couch a few feet from where she was and lunged for it. She felt vice like hands close around her leg, pulling her back just as she managed to flip the phone open. She kicked out hard again but he was ready this time pulling out of the way just before her foot connected with anything.

"I'm in my apartment! I'm being…"She yelled before her attacker slammed his knee into her back settling his full weight against her, knocking the air out of her and effectively pinning her to the floor.

"Quiet now." McMurphy instructed his voice disturbingly calm. Carol struggled to draw air into her lungs as he reached just beyond her outstretched fingers and clicked the phone closed. He shifted his weight back and she was finally able to breath. She swung back with her elbow, blind panic threatening to overwhelm her now as the blow failed to make contact with any part of him.

She let out a cry of pain as he twisted his fist in her hair, sliding his knee off of her back roughly turning her over to face him as he straddled her on his knees. She started to scream again but his fist slammed into cheekbone making black spots pop in front of her eyes.

"I said shut up!" He said his voice starting to tremble with a desperate sort of rage. He hit her again busting her lip. Carol tasted blood as he hit her again and again until she eventually lost the fight to remain conscious.

Tony stared at the receiver in his hand for a second as the dial tone beeped insistently. Panic seemed to surge through every part of him as the last words he had heard echoed in his head.

"Quiet now."

McMurphy was going to kill her. Carol had minutes, hours if they were lucky, left to live. Tony hung up and dialed the station. When someone finally picked up on the third ring he quickly explained who he was and what he had heard. He had to concentrate to make himself speak slowly enough to be understood.

"Dr. Hill we're sending a team and an ambulance now. Just sit tight and I'll send someone to come pick you up." The young detective on the other end of the line said in her best stay-calm-it-will-all-be-fine voice.

"Don't bother." Tony said as he dropped the receiver back on the hook, shoving his feet into shoes before running out the door.

Carol came to a short time later. She blinked rapidly trying to get her hazy brain to focus. She felt a sharp stab of pain as she shifted positions. Her broken wrist was now taped securely to her other wrist behind her back. As she realized that there was tape over her mouth and around her ankles as well she felt a wave of horror crash over her. Her breath came in short shallow gasp as she realized for the first time in her life she felt completely helpless. All of her training, all of her experience meant absolutely nothing now.

She slowly became aware that she was no longer in the living room. He had moved her to the floor in her bedroom in front of the mirrored sliding closet door that she had always hated. McMurphy was on his knees beside her staring wordlessly at his hands in his lap. He looked up and met her eyes and for a second he was the little boy that Tony had described, helpless and pleading to be saved. He reached out and touched her face. Carol jerked away from the caress, struggling hard against her restraints.

"It's no good now." He said his face steely and predatory again. Carol felt bile rise in her throat at his words. He wordlessly got to his feet and retrieved a pair of heavy leather gloves off of the bed and slipped them on before returning to stand over her. "I honestly thought that you were different. But you're just like all of the rest of them. Aren't you? You miserable bitch!" He yelled as he slammed his fists into the mirror behind her. He hit the glass again and again until it shattered.

Carol screwed her eyes shut and curled her body away from the glass shards that clattered down around her, several small pieces cutting her as they collected on the floor. McMurphy looked down at her for a long moment, his chest heaving with anger and exertion. He then dropped to his knees, taking one of the large jagged pieces of glass in his gloved hand. He held the sharp edge against her neck, pressing so that a thin trickle of blood slid across its smooth surface. Carol felt a tear slide down her cheek.

"Do you have anything to say for yourself?" He asked, ripping the tape away from her mouth. Even through her fear, Carol thought of what Tony said about the effect that the victim's voices had on McMurphy, of the victim he had forced to swallow pieces of glass. Hearing her beg was what he wanted and she wasn't going to give it him.

"Nothing?" He asked pressing the shard more firmly against her throat, his voice shaking with anger again. "You've been such a disappointment." He said pulling the piece of glass away from her throat and plunging it into her stomach. Carol let out a strangled cry of pain as he ripped it back out and plunged it in again.

"It didn't have to be like this, you know." He placing a bloody hand on her cheek.

"Please…" Carol choked out as he grasped the shard again, pulling it out.

Suddenly there was a loud crash from the other room and the apartment seemed to be filled with people all of whom were yelling. Her assailant was tackled to the ground by Nickens and another detective before being handcuffed and dragged from the room.

A paramedic knelt beside her and started applying pressure to the rapidly bleeding wounds on her stomach. As the other inspected the wound on her neck. Carol tried to process what was happening but there was so much activity and she was losing so much blood that she was having trouble making sense of anything. She whimpered slightly as one of the paramedics freed her wrists and ankles. He noticed the odd angle of her hand and braced her injured arm against her as they loaded her onto a stretcher and wheeled her through the living room.

The last thing Carol was aware of before finally succumbing to unconsciousness was Tony charging through the door looking terror stricken.

"Carol!" He called before seeing her and crossing to her side.

"Sir, we have to get her to the hospital." One of the paramedics explained.

"I'm riding with her." Tony insisted.

"Fine, come on." The paramedic said sensing it would be a waste of time to argue. Tony followed after them trying to make himself believe that they had gotten to her in time.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

Tony slumped back against the wall in the hospital waiting room. Carol had been in surgery for what felt like forever and no one had brought out any news of how it was going. His stomach knotted with fear and guilt as though someone had twisted their hand around his insides.

"How could I not have seen this coming?" He thought, cursing himself for the hundredth time. He kept seeing Carol's bruised and bloody face as they had jostled along in the ambulance. Carol, who had always seemed so strong and who had saved him a hundred times over.

He had seen her hurt before, years ago when she had been mugged, but this was different. By the time he had seen her then she had been sitting up and smiling. The bruises and cuts only fading reminders of a vulnerability they both preferred not to acknowledge. They couldn't acknowledge weakness and continue to do what they did.

Tony had his fair share of his own war wounds both physical and psychological but those he could handle. They did not cost him nearly as much as just the thought of having to live in a world without her. It seemed absurd considering that he had been completely prepared to flee the country hours ago but now the thought of truly and permanently losing her seemed to suck the air out of his lungs.

"She's going to be fine," He said firmly to himself several of the other people in the waiting room looking up at him, some with annoyance others with sympathy, "Sorry." He said before stepping into the hallway and starting to pace. As he did he allowed his mind to wander.

_"You prevent hurt. Try and remember that." She had said before gently kissing him on the cheek and looking at him with a sad sort of understanding._

He had honestly never thought of what he did in that way before. He had always seen himself as a sort of defective tool, suitable for sorting out the flawed and the twisted from the rest but incapable of ever truly fixing them. She had seen something in him that he had no idea even existed and he let himself believe her. For that brief instant while Carol looked at him like that willing him to understand what she saw in him he had felt like a whole person.

Tony had not thought about that moment in a long time. He had buried it deep under his self doubt and fear so that every time her eyes pleaded that she needed more from him he could ignore it. He had always told himself that he was protecting her, that she was better off without him. Only now could Tony finally admit that he had been protecting himself.

If he were to give her what they both wanted that would mean letting her inside among his secrets and demons deep into the mess that had always driven everyone else away. He knew that she was too smart and too close to be satisfied with any sort of half measure so he had always pulled away at the last instant. He knew that he was being cruel, but honestly had never thought that he was hurting anyone other than himself. Until she had finally been the one to leave him behind.

This time had been different; he had missed her too much to even try to stay away. Instead he had found himself desperately needing her. The intensity had terrified him and he reacted like a coward.

"I should have been there." He said quietly to himself.

"Dr. Hill?" A kind looking nurse asked.

"Yes that's me." He answered.

"They wanted me to let you know that Ms. Jordan is out of surgery."

"How is she?"

"The surgery went well. She's in recovery now but you should be able to see her in a few hours."

"Oh, thank God." Tony said with a audible sigh of relief.

"I'll come get you when she's been moved into a room." She said smiling at the relief on his face before heading back down the hallway.

Carol had spent the next day drifting in and out of consciousness. In brief moments of lucidity she was vaguely aware of being poked and prodded and incredibly sore.

Later the next evening she had woken with a start. Looking around frantically before the steady beeping noises and antiseptic smell helped her realize that she was in the hospital. She tried to shift herself into a more comfortable position but winced as a sharp pain shot through her abdomen. She leaned back deciding that it was better to just stay where she was.

She took a moment to do a quick inventory. Her face hurt, her left eye was still swollen almost completely closed, and there was a bandage taped to the side of her neck. Her back ached, her wrist throbbed, and her stomach felt as though someone had taken everything out and put it all back in the wrong order. But she was alive. She tried to remember what happened but no matter how hard she concentrated it was mostly a black void. She could remember being shoved, Mcmurphy's face, the sound of the phone being clicked shut and some vague feelings and sounds, but nothing else. It was infuriating but also somewhat relieving not to have to think about any of it just yet. Carol knew that she would have to remember it all eventually but for now these blank moments were her mind's gift to her. A small consolation for all that had happened.

She was pulled from her thoughts by someone moving to her right. Tony was curled into a hospital chair that was pulled up beside her bed. He was sleeping with his head resting against the back of the chair in what looked like a very uncomfortable position.

She hadn't imagined it, he really had come back. Her brain was far too tired and drug addled to even begin to make sense of what she felt at seeing him, but she was glad not to be alone. Tony opened his eyes blearily, seeming to sense her staring at him. He sat up and hurriedly wiped his mouth with his hand.

"Hey you." Carol said quietly with a ghost of a smile as he met her eyes.

"You're awake." Tony said his voice still raspy with sleep, relief written all over his face. He leaned forward, his hand resting on the bed inches from the fingertips of her injured hand seemingly afraid to touch her.

"How do you feel?" He asked. Carol cast her eyes about the room as if to say how do you think? "Right, stupid question. Sorry." he said a bit sheepishly. Before they had time to talk about anything else a haughty looking young doctor breezed into the room.

"Oh good you're awake." He said picking up her chart from the end of the bed. Carol forced herself into a more upright seated position against the pillow trying not groan out loud as she did so.

"I'm Dr. Weiss. I'll be taking care of you while you stay with us." He continued in a voice that made him sound more like concierge at a upscale hotel than a physician who dealt with trauma victims. Dr. Weiss noticed Tony sitting beside the bed and asked "Are you family?"

Tony cut his eyes to Carol and she gave him a small nod, not wanting him to go.

"Sure." Tony said.

"Okay, then." Dr. Weiss continued a little dubious "Well, Ms. Jordan…"

"Detective." Tony interrupted.

"Excuse me?"

"It's Detective Jordan."

"Fine, Detective Jordan. You suffered several blows to the head which resulted in a fairly severe concussion and a fractured orbital bone on your left side. Your face is going to be sore and swollen for a couple of weeks and you will likely experience some temporary memory loss and occasional headaches resulting from the concussion. The good news is that there does not appear to be any permanent brain or facial damage. There will likely be some scarring from the cut on your neck but nothing too severe"

As he spoke, Carol was confronted by a vivid flash of the feeling of a fist slamming into her face as she tried to scream. She pulled her thoughts away from the memory and had to force herself to focus on what the doctor was saying.

"Your wrist was broken in two places. Here and here." He indicated the points on her cast where her bones had snapped. "We were able to set the bones without surgery but you are going to have to wear the cast for the next couple months. The wound to your abdomen was more severe but we were able to repair the damage and the nurses tell me that you appear to be healing nicely."

Carol remembered the glass raining down around her as clearly as though it were happening again and flinched involuntarily. Dr. Weiss noticed and took a step closer.

"May I?" He asked motioning towards her stomach. She nodded somewhat reluctantly and he rolled back the hem of the hospital pajamas she was wearing and removed the bandage so that he could palpate the long jagged scar on her stomach.

"How's the pain?" He asked. Carol reached out and seized Tony's hand as the doctor touched a particularly sore spot. Tony protectively wrapped her hand in both of his.

"It hurts." She answered bluntly through gritted teeth.

"I'll see what we can do about upping your pain medication now that you're conscious," Weiss said with a sympathetic smile, "I have to tell you. You are one tough lady. We didn't know if you were going to make it when they brought you in. You'd already lost so much blood but everything appears to be healing beautifully. Do you have any questions?" He replaced the bandage and covered it.

Carol knew what she needed to ask. She remembered just enough to be sure that she had to know. She suddenly wished that she had let the doctor kick Tony out, she didn't want him to hear this. She looked Dr. Weiss dead in the eyes, steeling herself for the answer.

"Was I raped?"

"No, there was no evidence of that." He answered reassuringly. Carol visibly relaxed at his answer finally letting herself believe that she was safe.

"Now try and get some rest. I'll check on your pain meds and the nurse should be in to check on you shortly." He instructed before turning to go.

"Thank you." Carol said as the doctor left the room. She and Tony sat in silence for a long moment. "Oh, I should call my brother."

"I already did. I hope that's alright. I called as soon as they let me know that you were going to make it."

"Thanks." She said realizing that she was now completely out of other things to think about. Her realization that she was safe, that there was no devastating news left to confront, seemed to have opened the flood gate to all of the feelings that she had been numb to since waking up. They all seemed to crash down on her at once. Suddenly her vision began to blur as tears sprang to her eyes. She tried to blink them away, turning her attention to pulling at the loose threads on the edge of the blanket pulled across her lap.

"Carol…" Tony started to say.

"Tony, I'm fine. The doctor just said I'm going to be fi…"She quickly turned her face away from him as she failed to stifle a sob.

"Carol, I'm so sorry." He got to his feet beside the bed stroking her hair soothingly with one hand while still holding her hand with the other. She continued to sob, even now feeling embarrassed to show this much emotion in front of someone else.

Without really thinking about it Tony slid onto the edge of the bed and gently folded her into his arms. She finally turned towards him her breath coming in choking sobs. One hand clutching him as though she were drowning and he was the shore.

The physical pain was nothing compared with the grief of realizing everything else that had been stolen from her. She wasn't sure that she would ever be able to be confident in the same way that she had before not now that she knew how easily it could all be taken away. She cried until her eyes were dry and she was completely exhausted.

Tony didn't tell her that it was going to be all right or try to comfort her with any other platitudes, he simply held her shouldering whatever pain she would share.

"I'm glad you came back." Carol finally said her voice quiet.

"I'm so sorry that I ever left. You were right. I was running away…being a coward. And you paid the price." Tony said his voice little more that a whisper as he uttered the last sentence. The guilt in his voice was more than Carol could stand. She looked up so that she could look into his eyes.

"Tony, listen to me," She insisted, "This was not your fault."

"If I hadn't left you, none of this would have happened." He said finding it impossible to believe her while she was still shaking in his arms.

"It was you on the phone wasn't it?" She asked. He nodded still not able to meet her gaze, unable to bear the idea that she was still trying to be strong for him. "I would have been on my own eventually. He already picked me, he would have found me regardless. Because of you, we knew who he was, because of you we were able to catch him, because of you I'm alive." She continued, Tony finally looking into her eyes. "This was not your fault." She said, firmly staring at him until he reluctantly nodded.

"You should rest." He said. She nodded and he slid out of the bed and helped her get situated.

"I'll still be here when you wake up." He said, answering the worry in her eyes as he settled back in the chair picking up the book that had fallen out of his hand last night and starting to read. She smiled a tired smile and surrendered to the dreamless sleep of exhaustion.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

_One Week Later_

Carol sat in her bed in the hospital absently leafing through the pages of a book. She realized that today was the first day since being here that she actually felt well enough to be a bit stir crazy. Her poor body was still a mess but it was mending, she just wished the it would hurry it along so that she could get out of here and back to work. She knew that while she would be able to leave the hospital soon it would still be a quite a while before she was cleared to go back to work. She had never been particularly good at resting or being inactive. It always made her feel useless and irritable.

With a sigh she tried to force her attention back to the book in her hands. It was some horrible chick lit monstrosity that her mother had given her several Christmases ago. She was a little surprised that she had brought it with her when she moved. It had sat on the shelf in her living room forgotten until Tony had brought it along with a random assortment of her books from her flat in order to keep her entertained. He had taken a room in a hotel near the hospital but had continued to spend most of his time in Carol's room. She had finally insisted that she was fine and that he needed a shower and a good night's sleep. He had somewhat reluctantly agreed and had yet to return.

The day felt oddly lonely without him. Carol had gotten so used to him being there whenever she opened her eyes, but she knew that she needed to get used to being on her own again. She also suspected that some of his reluctance to leave was motivated by fear that something would happen to her if he did and the sooner that fear could be dissipated the better it would be for both of them.

He hadn't mentioned returning to England since she had been in the hospital, but she knew that it was only a matter of time. His life was there and he had to go home. She had no delusions that anything that had happened between them would change that, but she couldn't stop the hollow feeling every time that she thought about going back to life without him. She shook her head bitterly thinking that had she not gone and gotten herself cut to bits she would probably never have seen him again. It was always a bit of a mind fuck the way that the violence that drove other people apart was always instrumental in bringing them back together. She wondered if she was even capable of having the one without the other.

The phone in her room rang, pulling her from her thoughts.

"Carol Jordan." She answered trying to navigate the challenges of cradling the receiver with a cast on one side and swollen cheek on the other.

"Hey, sis. God, it's good to hear your voice."

"Hey, Michael." Carol said breaking into a full smile at the sound of her brother's voice.

"How are you? Tony called us when you got out of surgery to let us know what happened and that you were going to make it."

"I'm alright. A bit banged up but they say that I'll be fine. How are you?" She asked very tired of talking about herself.

"I'm good. Julia and the baby are doing really well and they send their love…but seriously are they taking good care of you? Do you need me to fly down."

"No, no really I'm fine. The hospital is tolerable and Tony's been really great." Carol answered.

"Yeah. How is it that he happens to be in Johannesburg?"

"He was helping us on a case."

"Uh-huh." Michael said in a clearly mocking tone.

"Stop it you. He was."

"Yeah, I remember you two 'working' together before. So have you guys finally hooked up or what?"

"Michael." Carol said with an indignant laugh that sounded a little forced even to her.

"Fine, fine. Keep your secrets," He said, "I really am glad that you're okay." He added more seriously.

"Thanks."

"We miss you. Come home." Michael added after a beat.

"I can't. I am not even sure where that would be."

"Back to England, back to Bradfield."

"My life is here now."

"Why? You're not happy there."

Carol tried to think of something but the words seemed to die on her tongue.

"Come home," He said again in response to her silence, "You shouldn't be on your own when something like this happens and your niece isn't even going to know who you are if you continue to insist on living half a world away. Plus, if you were running away from the whole non-relationship thing with the enigmatic Dr. Hill, it seems to have followed you there." He knew that the last bit was pushing his luck but thought that someone should say it.

There was a soft knock at the door of her room as Tony peeked his head in. She nodded to him to come in.

"Listen, I have to go."

"Okay, sis, but think about what I've said."

"I will."

"I love you."

"You too, bye," Carol said hanging up the phone as Tony settled into what had become his chair, "Michael." Carol said unnecessarily explaining the phone call.

"Ah, how's he?" Tony asked.

"Good," Carol said looking at him for a second debating, "He thinks that I should go home."

Tony looked up his face impassive. "And how do you feel about that?"

"Honestly, I don't know," Carol said with an exasperated sigh, "There's a lot to consider."

"Such as?"

"Such as my life here, my job here."

"And how do you feel about leaving those things?" Tony asked, leaning slightly forward in the chair. Carol stared at the far wall for a long moment.

"I hate it here," She said finally dropping all pretense, "I miss everything about Bradfield, about England. I even miss the bloody rain."

"Then what's stopping you?" Tony said now fully in therapist mode trying not to think about the personal ramifications of what she was saying.

"Wouldn't I just be running away, avoiding dealing with what's happened if I went home now?"

"Were you happy here before the attack?"

"No," Carol said after considering for a second, "But, whose to say anything will be different if I go back? I'm not even sure that I could get my old job back."

"You're making excuses. What are you really afraid of?" They stared at each other for a long tense moment before she finally looked away.

"I don't know." She lied.

"Well then I don't know that I can help you." Tony said, disappointment coloring his words as he sat back into the chair. They settled into silence, Tony staring out the window and Carol flipping through the pages of the same book she had discarded earlier.

"Fine," Carol said when she couldn't stand it any longer, "I'm afraid that you and I will just fall right back into the same pattern that we did before."

"Would that be so bad?" Tony asked, his eyes pleading with her.

"Tony," Carol said her voice tempered with sadness, "I can't go back to having you in my life but not really. When you were sick I realized how bad it had really gotten. The thought of losing you was devastating and watching you try to deal with all of it without being able to do anything or even tell you how I felt. It was awful." Tony struggled to find a response. He hadn't expected her to be so vulnerable and he wasn't sure if he could reciprocate. Carol recognized the poorly disguised terror on his face and changed the subject.

"As terrible as it sounds, I used to actually look forward to having impossible cases because they gave me a legitimate excuse to call you." She admitted with a self deprecating grin.

"You could call anyways." Tony said returning her smile a little sadly.

"So could you, but we both know that we won't. We're both rubbish at maintaining relationships outside of work. It will be the same old story, me trying to be something you won't let me be, never able to be honest or to really be with anyone else. We'll go back to pretending, to only ever talking about work. I can't do that again." Carol said embarrassed at saying so much, she blamed the pain killers.

Tony reached out and took her hand in his.

"Tony, it's okay you don't have to…" She said starting to pull her hand away, bracing her self for a very calm logical explanation of how they had only ever been good friends who had worked together.

"Carol," he said staring down at their joined hands his throat going dry with nerves, "I love you."

She was shocked speechless. She had never even allowed herself to think about him being able to say those words.

"I have no idea why you put up with me," He continued, "I don't want things to go back to how they used to be. It would be better than not having you in my life at all, but I think that we both know that it would be a lie. I was trying to protect you, trying to protect myself. I just honestly never thought that you could want me," He finally looked up spent from divulging so much, "Are you sure you don't want some one better? More normal?"

Carol reached out laid a hand on the side of his face. He covered it with his as though to assure himself that it was real.

"I love you too." Carol finally said with a tearful smile. Tony beamed back at her and she was struck by the realization that this was the only time she could remember that his smile didn't look at all forced. He got to his feet and gently kissed her temple feeling a renewed rush of gratitude for her safety.

"Let's go home." She said as he pulled back to look at her, certain for the first time in years of what that word really meant.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

_Epilogue: Two Years Later_

Carol stirred lazily under her thick down comforter, rolling over she saw that a layer of frost had accumulated on the window. It looked like a cold forbidding day outside but inside it was almost soporifically cozy. It was Saturday and her first day off in what felt like forever. She had just wrapped a long and involved murder case with the Bradfield CID and felt she had earned a bit of a lie in.

She finally forced herself out of bed almost tripping over Nelson as he meowed at her feet weaving in and out between her legs. She bent down and scratched under his chin causing him to purr contentedly.

"Good morning. I bet you're getting hungry." She said. She had collected him from Michael as soon as she had arrived back in the country. It wasn't until she brought him to the new flat that she fully realized how very good it felt to be back in familiar surroundings.

She crossed to the bathroom brushing her teeth and washing her face. As she toweled off her face she paused to survey her reflection in the mirror. Aside from a small scar by her left eye and thin white line that ran across the side of her neck she looked like her old self again.

She still had the occasional nightmare or flashback but those had steadily dissipated since she had testified at McMurphy's trial and finally seen him locked up. It had taken her longer than she had expected but she had found her way back to herself, slowly rebuilding the sense of security and confidence that had been shattered. She had done it and she was a better detective for it.

She headed to the kitchen pausing to look into the windowed nook that had long ago become Tony's study. He was already hard at work slaving over a mountain of students' papers that he had neglected while assisting on the case.

It had taken them a while to adjust to seeing each other without the intensity and pressure of a case always driving them forward, but with time they had acclimated to each other's habits. They had both grown to love the unfamiliar feeling of coming home to someone and being with someone who understood what they did and the odd hours it required.

Saying "I love you" hadn't miraculously changed everything. It had still been another six months before Carol was able to get everything arranged to return to Bradfield. Neither of them had suddenly become adept at sharing their feelings and there had been several speed bumps as they navigated the murky waters between being friends and lovers. They still fought each other for control, still clashed over cases, and still occasionally pushed the other away, but now it was done without the constant fear of scaring the other person away for good. They had moved in together a year ago and neither of them had ever felt more stimulated personally or professionally.

"Hey you." Carol said wrapping her arms around Tony's shoulders and kissing the side of his neck. He was sitting at his desk facing the window with his back to her.

"Good morning." He said turning his face to be kissed.

"How's it going?" She asked eyeing the stack of papers.

Tony groaned in response. "If this is the future of psychology I should probably just get out now. This kid has incorrectly interchanged Disassociative Identity Disorder and Paranoid Schizophrenia five times now. Five times, Carol! They aren't even that similar of disorders and I am only ten pages in." Carol couldn't help but grin at his exasperated expression. For some reason, picturing Tony as a professor still always struck her as comical.

"Sorry Dr. Hill, the price you pay for your fancy title." She said giving "Dr." a ridiculous amount of emphasis.

"Shut it, you," He said returning her smile, "Just once I should make you read some of these and see how long you last."

"Makes dealing with homicidal maniacs feel like a walk in the park does it?"

"At least I don't have to worry about them boring me to death."

"Do you want more coffee?" She asked eyeing the empty mug on the desk.

"Yes please." Tony said handing her the mug and looking just short of slamming his head down on the desk.

Carol walked to the kitchen, dumping out the dregs of the early morning pot and starting a fresh one. She scooped some cat food into Nelson's waiting dish before moving to the kitchen window and staring out at the snow covered yard. She had always liked the way snow seemed to change the world, coating everything in a thick layer of white and shutting away most of the world's troubles behind closed doors. It somehow made everything seem safe and quiet. After a few minutes Tony came and joined her at the window wrapping his arms around her waist.

"Did you give up?" She asked leaning back against him.

"No, I just realized there were other things that I would rather be doing." He said resting his chin on her shoulder and she covered one of his hands with hers. They stood like that for a long time in companionable silence, each alone with their own thoughts.

After a while Carol noticed that Tony's fingers had found the scar on her stomach and were absently running over its uneven edges. She knew from experience that this always meant that his thoughts had taken a melancholy turn.

"What are you thinking?" She asked wrapping her fingers through his and gently pulling his hand away.

"Sorry." He said realizing what he had been doing.

"It's okay. It just always means that there is something on your mind."

"Can't give the detecting a rest even on your day off can you?" Tony said with a grin, clearly evading but not shutting down.

"Oh, like you don't use your psychologist tricks on me from time to time." Carol said with a laugh, disentangling herself and going to pour them each a cup of coffee.

"They're not tricks." Tony said defensively. Carol arched an eyebrow at him and he relented. "Fair enough, let's call it even." He said with a shrug as they headed into the living room and settled into their usual seats on the comfortably worn sofa. He took a sip of his coffee.

"Yours always tastes so much better than it does when I make it," He said shaking his head, "I was just thinking that sometimes I can't believe we actually made it here."

"We certainly took the long way around." Carol agreed wondering where he was going with this.

"Do you think our relationship 'damaged' you?" Tony asked.

"Damaged?" Carol questioned feeling herself get a bit irritated. "Tony, where is this coming from?"

"It was something that Alex said to me a long time ago and its always bothered me."

Carol sat for a second considering the question privately thinking that Alex should mind her own business.

"In some ways yes," She said " But it was as much my fault as yours. I was at a particularly vulnerable place in my career, on the verge of truly being promoted into the boys' club, and as much as I hate to admit it, I was terrified. "

"Of what?" Tony asked a little surprised.

"Of failing, of not living up to the scrutiny, of a lot of things. You and your help offered a very tempting safety net right when I needed one the most and I definitely took advantage of it."

Tony nodded, a bit crestfallen.

"But I don't know that it's any worse than the mess I've made constantly pulling you away from your responsibilities at the university," Carol added, "We've almost gotten you fired how many times now?"

"Honestly, I've lost count." He added with a grin.

"Besides that, we may not have been on the most traditional team, but we saved numerous lives and put some of the most depraved killers I've ever encountered behind bars. It may not have done my professional reputation any favors, but it was worth it. We were an effective team. We still are." Carol continued more seriously.

"You've only mentioned our professional relationship." Tony said after a brief silence, unable to resist the urge to know more even if he didn't like the answer.

"Oh, are we implementing a full disclosure policy now?" Carol said, raising her eyebrows, "Are you sure you want to do this? You will be expected to reciprocate." He nodded reluctantly. She took a long sip of her coffee and then continued. "Personally I had hit a point where I had fully realized that I had chosen my career over all of the things that I was supposed to want and while I was sure that this was the right decision for me, the finality of it was jarring. I was starting to realize that I was living my life surrounded by people but none of them actually knew me. I wanted someone to know me for who I was not what I did., but I wasn't even sure I knew who that was anymore," She paused feeling like she was rambling, "You saw me without even really trying and that was intoxicating. We worked well together, we got on, and before I really realized it I was hooked."

"You absolutely terrified me," Tony said after she had finished, "You repeatedly saw me at my worst and you never pulled away. You were the first sane person to ever have that reaction to me."

"I should probably have that engraved on a plaque or something 'first sane person to ever love Tony Hill' its quite a distinction." Carol said with a smile.

"I just wanted to tell you that I was sorry. You were…are the most important person in my live and I don't think that I ever told you that." Tony said meeting her eyes.

"Thank you, Tony." She said genuinely touched. They were both still very rarely outspoken about their affection. She reached out and took his hand. "I'm sorry too, for a lot of things, but I wouldn't change anything about what we have now."

"No, me neither." He said reaching across the small distance between them and kissing her. Carol kissed him back pulling him closer. It had been a long week and she was fairly certain they could think of several interesting things that they could do with their day off. He laid down against the cushions of the couch pulling her on top of him as he went. She kissed him deeply, relishing the feeling of being able to take their time. It was rare to get to be together like this without deadlines or exhaustion pressing in on them.

Tony traced the side of her neck with his mouth lingering over the small hollow at the base of her throat that he knew was one of her favorite spots. Carol let out a sigh of pleasure, her fingers tangling in his hair. She pulled his face up towards hers again, fiercely claiming his mouth with hers. She leaned back for a second undoing his pants and sliding them down. He hurriedly slid them the rest of the way down and kicked them off. His fingers hooked in the waist band of the pants she was wearing and worked them off of her hips, Carol shimmying the rest of the way out of them and letting them fall into the growing pile of clothes on the floor. She found the hem off his shirt and slid it off over his head, smiling at how this caused his hair to stick up. He smiled back, taking her face in both of his hands and kissing her again so deeply that when they finally broke apart they were both a little light headed.

He fingered the edge of the tank top that she was wearing, itching to pull it off. He paused for a minute to look her imploringly in the eyes before doing so. She had rarely been on top since the attack and never in broad daylight like this. She hated the look Tony got every time that he caught sight of the disfiguring scar that ran along her stomach, the flash of guilt that she knew meant he thought that he had failed her. Carol couldn't help but think that it made her look like some sort freak, some sort of victim. She pulled away slightly momentarily unsure.

"Carol, its okay. If you don't want to…" Tony started. She cut him off by slipping her shirt over her head and giving him an unobstructed view. It seemed like a day for reclaiming things. Tony stared at her unabashedly for a long moment still as always a little overwhelmed that someone so attractive wanted to be with him.

"You are so beautiful." He breathed out sliding his hands to her breasts running his thumbs gently over her nipples. Carol closed her eyes trying to lose herself in the sensation, feeling him grow hard against her. Tony's hands roamed from her breasts to her hips pulling her against him as he entered her. The novelty of the position and the release of the tension of the week caused them both to come quickly. Carol collapsed against him when it was over.

"Bloody hell, Tony, that was fantastic." She said, looking up and kissing him. He gave her the same confused half smile he always gave whenever she said anything remotely complimentary.

"We should start every morning like this."

"Agreed, although I doubt we would ever make it to work on time." She said shifting slightly as Tony pulled the blanket off of the back of the couch and over both of them. They had just gotten comfortable when the phone started to ring.

"Ugh," Carol groaned before reaching over his head and grabbing the phone off of the end table, "Carol Jordan," She listened for a few minutes then said, "I'll be in as soon as I can."

"No chance that was a wrong number?" Tony jokingly asked after she hung up and put the phone back on the charger.

"I'm afraid not. There's been a shooting a few blocks from here and the victim was wanted in connection with a cold case, a drug related shooting from six years ago."

"Sounds complicated, need a hand?" He asked a little too hopefully.

"No, It sounds like fairly straight forward police work," Carol said climbing off of the couch and collecting her clothes off of the floor, "Try not to look so disappointed, you get to spend your afternoon cozy inside with the brilliant insights of the next generation of psychologist to keep you entertained. While I go freeze my bullocks off in the snow on my one day off." She said before disappearing into their room to shower and get dressed.

Tony smiled to himself as he collected his clothes off of the floor and got redressed. No matter how much she complained he knew she loved it. He reluctantly walked back to his study and the waiting pile of papers, pausing in the kitchen to refill his coffee. He stopped in the living room for a second taking in the two pair of salt encrusted boots by the door, the stack of her notes piled on top of his books, the other half finished mug of coffee on the table. It was still hard for him to believe that he had actually made a home with somebody else.

Carol walked out of the bedroom fully dressed and together. She stopped at the door to bundle up and step into her snow boots.

"I'm not sure how long this will take, but I'll hopefully be home by dinner. Do you want me just to grab us a curry on the way home?" Carol said as she rummaged in her coat pocket for her keys.

"That would be great." Tony said grabbing her keys off of the kitchen counter and walking over and handing them to her.

"Thanks," She said taking the keys and kissing him briefly in good bye, "See you tonight."

"See you tonight." Tony said with a smile as she disappeared out into the cold.

As he settled himself back at his desk he couldn't help but marvel at the fact that they had forged a life together out of all of the violence, disappointment, and pain they endured. They had found a spark of hope and kindled it to life and like two types of metal melted together they were each the stronger for it.

**AN: **Well that's all folks! I hope that you enjoyed it. This is a bit random, but here is the list of the music I listened to while I was writing this story. I thought that it might be fun to share it with you guys. Let me know if you have any problems finding the songs. Have fun:

**Suggested Soundtrack:**

_1. "Strange"- Tokio Hotel and Kerli _(Theme for show)

"A freak of nature/ Stuck in reality/ I don't fit the picture/ I'm not what you want me to be/ Sorry…I feel so absurd in this life/ Don't come closer in my arms/ Forever you'll be/ Strange"

_2. "Whatya Want From Me"-Adam Lambert _(Song that inspired the story…don't laugh)

"Yeah, it's plain to see/ That baby you're beautiful/ And it's nothing wrong with you/ It's me, I'm a freak/ But thanks for loving me/ Cause you're doing it perfectly/ There might have been a time/ When I would let you step away/ I wouldn't even try/ But I think you could save my life"

_3. "All I Want"- Ahn Trio and Susie Suh _(Carol's decision to go to South Africa)

"Too many times, I have wanted/ To turn around and walk away/ Knowing deep inside, you can't provide/ What I need from youanyway"

_4. "Searching For the Ghost"- Heartless Bastards _(Carol's thoughts about seeing Tony again)

"You and I didn't end the place/ We've all been looking for/ We've been searching now forever/ And it's right behind the door/ And now I've been searching/ Searching for the ghost/ I saw an apparition once/ A long, long time ago"

_5. "Who Am I"-Will Young _(Tony, thinking in the Carol's apartment)

"It's not as though I always listen/ But there's so much I don't hear/ Maybe I'll never be what you want/ I know that all you're asking for/ Is a little piece of my heart/ But I don't find it easy to give"

_6. "A Beautiful Lie"- 30 Seconds to Mars _(Carol's late night musing)

"Lie awake in bed at night/ And think about your life/ Do you want to be different?/Try to let go of the truth"

_7. "The Walk"- Imogen Heap _(Carol/ Tony)

"That's where this ends, no mistakes no misbehaving,/Oh, I was doing so well, can we just be friends,/ I feel a weakness coming on."  
_8. "For What It's Worth"-Placebo _(Tony and Carol's crazy lives)

"No one cares when you're out on the street/ Picking up the pieces to make ends meet/ No one cares when you're down in the gutter/ Got no friends, got no lover"

_9. "Don't Leave Me Behind"- We Are the Fallen _(Killer's P.O.V.)

_10. "Undisclosed Desires"- Muse _(Carol/ Tony)

"Trust me/ You can be sure/ I want to reconcile the violence in your heart/ I want to recognize your beauty's not just a mask/ I want to exorcise the demons from your past/ I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires of your heart"

_11. "Inside Out"-Emmy Rossum _(Tony to Carol, scene in the kitchen)

"Unsew my seams, look inside if you dare./ Do you still like what you're seeing now?/ Secrets and sins all exposed, spilling out./ Am I still safe here on this fragile ground"

_12. "Let's Get Lost"- Beck and Bat for Lashes _(Kitchen scene etc.)

_13. "Heavy in Your Arms"- Florence + The Machine _(Tony's perspective, reverse genders)

"I was a heavy heart to carry/ My beloved was weighed down/…My love has concrete feet/ My love's an iron ball/ Wrapped around your ankles/ Over the waterfall"

_14. "The Story"- Tristan Pretty man _(Carol's perspective, staircase scene)

"I'll look at you as you let me down lightly/ Oh the story always ends up like this/ Another opportunity that you're going to miss/ So you write the title/ And I'll write the chapters/ We could read the story of love gone disaster"

_15. "Hurtful"- Erik Hassle_ (Tony waiting for news in the hospital)

_16. "Enough"- The Autumn Film _(Tony/ Carol, three little words)

"My heart's been ripped wide open/ By all the things I do not need/ And your heart's been/ Ripped wide open/ As I keep chasing other things/ My love don't run I want you/ Wait here I'll come for you/ My love don't hide I'll find you/ Wait here I'll come for you."

_17. "The Scientist"- The Coldplay_ (Tony/ Carol)

"I was just guessing, at numbers and figures, pulling the puzzles apart/ Questions of science, science and progress, do not speak as loud as my heart/ Tell me you love me, come back and haunt me, Oh when I rush to the start)

_18. "Start Again"- Red _(Tony/Carol)

"What if I let you in? /What if I make it right it? /What if I give it up?/ What if I want to try?/ What if you take a chance?/ What if I learn to love?/ What if, what if we start again?/ All this time/ I can make it right/With one more try/ Can we start again?"

_19. "Can This Be" The Autumn Film _(Epilogue)


End file.
